press the gun to my head and paint the walls with my brain
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Saturday, February 26th, 2005

Time:3:39 pm.
150 random fact about me stolen from jennifer
1. i love being black.
2. but i love being white.
3. sometimes i feel like the lonliest person alive.
4. but then i feel extremely dramatic.
5. i have one tattoo
6. and i have one piercing
7. i really want my mom to grow up.
8. i am truely happy i go to public school, because it seems to distort your character.
9. i wish i had magical powers
10. i am bisexual.
11. i really dont know who and what i am.
12. i dont know on if i want to go to college.
13. sometimes i feel pressured into being friends with certain people.
14. i dont have an internet life.
15. i wish my granmother hadn't died.
17. i hate being mixed.
18. i wish my mom never married chuck.
19. i dont trust alot of my friends.
20. i dont trust alot of people period.
21. i have been jumped before.
22. i love being a boy
23. i suffer from bipolar
24. i have tried to kill my self before.
25. to this day i really wish i would of followed through with it.
26. i will never try to kill my self again.
27. i dont think i look attractive.
28. i hate it when people argue with me about it
29. im not an animal or pet person.
30. i like music thats is ear candy. if that makes sense.
31. im really not that interesting.
32. i am very insecure.
33. i wish i was cooler.
34. i hate reading.
35. i hate doing good in school, because i hate feeling acomplished.=\
36. sometimes i wish 8th grade never happened.
37. my favorite color is green.
38. i dont feed into mikes ego, because i think he might not want to be friends with me.
39. even though i dont think i will confide in jeanine or jennifer anymore, i still consider them my friends.
40. i dont think me mike jennifer and jeanine are going to talk after college.
41. i am the oldest
42. i hate bineg the oldest.
43. my penis isnt that big.
44. i really like my girl friend, regardless of anyones belife that she is bad for me.
45. i love the movie cruel intentions.
46. the love of my life was erika. i truely experienced summer love.
47. i now love karla.
48. i like being in the mall with certain people.
49. i hate mcdonalds.
50. i dont think im going to be able to give you 150 facts.
51. i love my pride.
52. me and my moms favorite movie is pretty woman.
53. i have really bad gullbatter problmes.
54. i belive in god.
55. i just hate him.
56. i dont believe in the devil..kaka
57. i used to cut, untill a few weeks ago.
58. i just dont have 150 facts. so yeah im done


do you believe in fairies

Thursday, February 3rd, 2005

Time:10:06 pm.
i hate lj.
5believers //do you believe in fairies

Saturday, January 29th, 2005

Time:7:09 pm.
7believers //do you believe in fairies

Monday, January 24th, 2005

Subject:it's too fucking early to say i love you!
Time:7:38 am.
Mood: amused.
well, its early as fuck. i have a 90 minute delay from school. and i should be sleeping but, im a dumbass. i dont think my mom is going to send me away any more. she attempted to talk to me. i was so aggravated by her to deal wit it for long. so i went to my room, and stood there all night. me and mike got into an argument yesterday, and well it was resolved in all, which is good. im tired, so i am going back to sleep.


the killers are hot shit! i was listening to them and they make me all happy! =)
1believers //do you believe in fairies

Sunday, January 23rd, 2005

Time:9:37 pm.
i dis-like people who make everything about them.
not going to say hate. because hate is a strong word.
2believers //do you believe in fairies

Saturday, January 22nd, 2005

Subject:i dont fuckin care
Time:4:52 pm.
Mood: shitty.
I've come to the conclusion, that what i am is a boy, lost and trapped inside his own self hatred. i've come to the conclusion that no matter how hard i try or no matter how hard i pretend that i know, i dont. i've come to the conclusion, that all my problems aren't as big as i make them seem, and they are all my fault. i've come to the conclusion that i think i know who and what i am, but in actuality, i am as lost as anyone could ever imagine. i hate and hate and hate. it gets me no where. i try to think of some one to talk to. some one i know would listen to me. take me seriously. not just turn the conversation around and make it about them. because of my lack of, i bottle things in, and keep all my thought and emotions to my self. after a while, it begins to hurt. so bad that i just want to give up on everyone and everything. i am so tired of being by my self. so tired of making my self believe that i am all i need. because to tell you the truth, i dont know what i need. maybe it is the 880 ml of lithium i take twice daily. maybe it is the wonderful friends i have. maybe it is to accept the fact that, this is the way it has to be, and that i should give up trying. i dont care. the end.
4believers //do you believe in fairies

Friday, January 21st, 2005

Subject:this is bullshit
Time:2:48 pm.
3believers //do you believe in fairies

Wednesday, January 19th, 2005

Time:7:02 pm.
this is sex
haha i am gonna add this to my myspace. just cuz im so cool!
2believers //do you believe in fairies

Time:6:52 pm.
"1: bein a dick to some of my friends... Even though I KNOW i never start it. I never used to snap back at you pplz when you did something. Lately i've been snappin back and not giving a shit about what comes out of my mouth... Which isn't good, but if u my friends, you should know where you stand and what you can and can't say to me. I'm sorry for anything I've said, but I cant tell you I wont do it again...

2: whenever i talk to my friends about girls n shit i always say something really fucked up. Not anything directed towards anyone but just in general. I don't even mean to it just spits out. Just like if you were to get into a fight with someone and before you know it, you go to far and you never talk to them again. My mentality is all fucked up right now. :-\ I always realize what I do wrong, but sometimes it takes a little while before I BELIEVE i was wrong."

that was posted by one of my friends. i dont really understand the second thing so i can't speak out on it, but whatever. i feel the same way sometimes. like people know how i am and they still say and do shit that they know that i will get upset about. then when i say something, everyone is like oh joe is an ass hole. jow has no tact, joe doesnt care about any one but himself. i hate it when people you think are your best friends do shit that they know, OR SHOULD KNOW will get you mad and when you snap back or say something...your considered an ass....grr i just dont understand it. but i love you mr. nick cough cough i cant say any names.

so whatever. i own several clickers and remote controls

talkin on the phone with mike...which is ALWAYS always amusing.
1believers //do you believe in fairies

Subject:movie snow is cheap as hell
Time:6:12 pm.
Mood: mellow.
today i took my english and italian midterm. i think i did well on my english test, but my italian i know i bombed. which sucks. after school i took the bus home for once and i hung out with erica. we went to the diner. awesome beacon egg and cheese sandwiches.

then i had some therapy group so i went. i hate this place. it's like hell. i am one of the oldest kids there and i feel like i am babysitting the children of the corn, not pleasant.

then i went to erica and krista's and watched troy.....Brad Pitt is one of the sexiest men ever. i wanted to hump the television screen every time i saw him naked. i do wish that they showed more of his body, but then troy would be porn and well, i have no problem with that, but i think other would. GOSH!...

it's snowing outside. not attractive.
2believers //do you believe in fairies

Tuesday, January 18th, 2005

Subject:love me hate me
Time:6:24 pm.
i know i never update this journal, but i really want everyone to read this...
im a fuckbag

ok well my birthday was a few days ago. as you all know because i am sure you all got an e-mail telling you it was.

along time ago, this kid nick used to hang out with me and my crew ericamorbid_ragdoll krista(has a lj) rob yadda yadda yah....and he used to fucking follow me around and try to be me! like literally, he would be all depressed when i was sad and shit like that.well whatever, he now doesnt hang around me because i am "gay", well his parents dont want him hanging out with me. i dont care, i really could care less, because the whole fucking family is out there. i am not going to waist my time on people who are fucking ignorant and raise their kids to grow up and beat their wives and children. i refuse to. so whatever my cousin goes to the school his mom works at, and she so happened to ask his mother why her son doesnt hang out with the way my cousin is like 10. and she told my cousin that it was because i had problems i need to work outmeaning he is gay...or some shit. now of course my cousin is going to get really upset, im her cousin. so she came home and told her mom and well they live on the first floor of my house and so my mom soon found out. AND WE ALL KNOW MY MOM. she got all upset and she called her job and told her. so now becky(nicks mom) might lose her job. i guess i should be feeling bad and guilty, but i dont. and this is why....i dont because when i was closeted i was so arfaid of people like them. i was so afraid that when i told some one that they wern't going to want to be my friend any more. i was so fucking paranoid that people would fucking hate me and make other people hate me too. and that is why i never told any one. i soon realized that the only person i needed to be accepted by is myself. i dont need becky or nick or any of them. i dont need any of them or people like them. they dont do shit for me. when i got kicked out of my house, they didnt know, because well they dont associate with FAGGOTS LIKE ME. fuck the world if you dont like it. fuck you and your father and fuck my mother and fuck jesus fucking christ for writing shit like "people of the same sex dont belong with eatch other" in the damned bible. fuck the homophobic population. fuck Becky Wieler and her fucking family. i dont care if they THINK i have problems i need to work out. the only problem i have is people who think it is ok to fucking treat us like shit. that is my problem. and it wont be any more. because i hope she fucking loses her job. i hope that the bitch fucking loses her job and her dumb ass family goes through hell.......

whatever, rob is madd at me and doesnt want to talk to me any more because i am the reason that becky may lose her job! i could care less. robert thinks that people take every word he says to the heart. he thinks he is so important. he is some fucking lost KID who doesnt know where is going in life. he is a fucking failure and he swears that he is going to accomplish so much. he is going to be a miserable fuck and he children that he cant wait to have are going to fucking hate him just as much as everyone hates his fucking father! he is failing just about every class, and he swears to god he is going to go to college and fucking control the world. he is going to stay living with his mother and father, alone and realizing that he is nothing and no one. he is going to be 34 laying on his mothers couch with low blood sugar,alone. no girl is ever going to love him. he is an ass hole. he is a fucking prick. and i dont care if he wants to stop talking to me, i am happy that he doesnt want to talk to me any more. he is just a fucking waist of time and he is a waist of oxygen.

on a better note.. i went shopping today and got a few new things. got a new lp shirt...and a new pair of pants and i got another thermal. blah! and after the mall me and paul went to roberts house and i gave paul a haircut...haha it was so fucking awesome. i actually did a really good job i think. i meaan for my first time ever cutting a humans so fucking rad

yours joe
1believers //do you believe in fairies

Saturday, January 8th, 2005

Subject:happy tina and benn
Time:1:53 am.
Mood: content.
well i havent updated in forever. i am now because i am being forced by big black men!!! :cough:christina and jennifer:cough:

nothing really big has been goiong on. i mean i am now off of probation. and the whole fight i blogged about in my last entry..nothing happened. we went to court and the case was nallied. i think that is how you spell it. school sucks and well i think everyone knows that. i am still fucking sinle. grr! life sucks. well let me go i really dont know what to talk about..

14believers //do you believe in fairies

Monday, November 15th, 2004

Subject:control your self
Time:9:17 am.
Mood: sick.
saterday. so i was at the movies with mike and jeanine and the jenn and well we ended up seeing the seed of chucky and then afterwards we ended up seeing saw. both movies were good but the seed of chuck was so fucking funny. Saw was a fucking good ass movie!

so afterwards we were waiting to be picked up, when we saw michael spancer! kascia's cousin. a little 411, mike hates him. so whatever, mike is following him around, basically trying to start with him. he eventually got bored with doing it and ended up just sitting with me jeanine and jennifer outside. we were there for a while and out of no where mike spencer came up to us and started talking shit to mike. he was saying shit like oh your a bitch, what you think i am stupid, you think that i dont notice you following me around the movies.... and so on and so foth. it was actually quite amusing for a while. so mike and him are arguing for a little bit, and all i said was, to mike, mike we have better things to do than follow he started talking shit to me. well that didnt work out too well. i ended up standing up and getting in his face and mushing him. we ended up fist fighting. i ended up betaing his ass! well me mike and mike spencer all ended up getting arrested and being charged with assault in the 3rd and breech of peace. my mom was so fucking pissed at me. now all she cares about is if i beat his ass. we go to court this coming monday.

sunday, nothing really happened. MIke came over and we ended up chilling doing nothing. he went home at like 1 something.

now i am in my old english teachers class. my 1st period isnt here and i saw her going to the cafeteria and she like snatced me in her class roon. i love her, she is cew! she and her class are reading this book called tuedsays with morrie. its a freshman class. blahness...

argh!! i dont know i will update later.

15believers //do you believe in fairies

Sunday, October 24th, 2004

Subject:the secret lives of bus boys!
Time:1:33 pm.
Mood: calm.
ok well havent updated in a while. I have been working alot! i mean i wanted a job and all, but i didnt want to be there all the time! it isnt that bad though! i actually enjoy it! i work today as well but its sunday so i am just all chill right now. shannon should be coming over so ill be able to chill before work. yesterday, it was so funny, there was this table of like 4 i think, not really shur, but i went over and asked if there was anything i cold take off the table and if they wanted more bread or water and one of the ladies pulled me by the arm and was like,"YOU...You have a very beautiful talking voice!" i was so creeped out! so i was like thank you very much! and well went on with work! but i was working with this fucking waitress from hell yesterday! she was a fucking bitch, so, because she was a bitch to be i was a bitch to her. like one time we were both leaving the kitchen to bring food out, she was behind me and i opened the door and kicked it behind me so it would shut faster and it hit her right in her leg, and i forgot to tell you she has a cast on, because she feel down stairs at her house! HAHA! well yeah she was all pissed at me, it was classic! so at the end of the night, she has to vacuum! its not my job, but i have to bringin all the chairs and tables that are on the patio! I cant bring them in without her vacuuming! if i do she wont be able to vacuum! so i was getting something to drink, she wasnt doing anything, so she pointed to me and was like,"YOU, BRING IN THE TABLES AND SHIT NOW!" so you know me, and if you dont, i dont shut my mouth for any one! and i mean i know this is my job and all, but i just i said in reply..."YOU VACUUM THIS FUCKING DIRTY FLOOR NOW! AND THEN ILL DO WHAT I NEED TO DO!" she just kind of got up and limped away! i love me!
8believers //do you believe in fairies

Wednesday, October 20th, 2004

Subject:woot woot
Time:8:30 pm.
Mood: amused.
I've got a twenty dollar bill/that no one's ever seen you without makeup//your always made up

so yesterday, i really couldnt update, on a count i had homework up the ass! I got home around 5:30 after school, i had to see some one about something, and when i got home my mom decided that she was going to be a bitch. so i started my homework, after cleaning the living room and putting her clothes away. 7 o'clock i started. and with one subject, being biology, i finished at 10:15 three fucking hours to do one assignment! whatever i had to read like a 100 pages in catcher in the rye and had to take two quotes from each chapter and analyze them. i didnt sleep hardly at all. which sucked, because i had to wake up at 6. well whatever school was ok, i had a student counsel meeting after school so i called john to pick me up. he did and took me and paul home. i got home around 3:45, and sense i have no homework that i can do tonight, i just been on the computer all day.
life of a loser! i tell ya. your whole day can just go by in a few conversation with people on line.

so tomorrow i am giving my speech as to why i would be the best choice for vice president! i am going to look like the biggest dumb ass, considering the fact that no one is running against me! i am automatically vice president! well i should be happy but i just wanted the feeling of victory over something, or someone. well yeah after school i have fencing and i start my wonderful job at tartaglia's! yes i got the job, woot woot!

i wish i could talk about what i wanted to, but when i make it friends only i shall...soon enough though.

so good night my sweet, young, broken hearted friends, i hope you dream of razor blade kisses and empty "stingy" hugs

Mr. Joseph
3believers //do you believe in fairies

Monday, October 18th, 2004

Subject:grape vines with spirit fingers
Time:4:47 pm.
Mood: good.
this week ends was alot of fun. the whole night where jenn mike and boomshika slept over, and then yesterday, yesterday was cool too.

well they left and paul came over and then rob came over and well he got tired of being here so he left.
rob ended up coming back.
so whatever we started cooking, boy i tell you the fond memories i will have cooking with the group!
so john ended up coming over and we all ate. john, robert, paul, jon, arthur, corey,and well everyone.
we were all eating and such.
so robert finally left and krista and erica came over. we all watched tv. it was fun. then john left and paul did too. so it was just me and krista and erica. and well they ended up leaving, so i stood up to about 12 and talked to luis. went to bed. and woke up. it sucked so much ass.
school was ok. my therapist picked my up at 1230 and then braught me back to school at 3. just in time for fencing. fencing was actually fun, for conditioning, it was really fun.

so yeah shani gave me a ride home and it was all weird, because even thought she is older than me and is a senior, she is way fucking shorter than me! so it was like.....ew! haha
so whatever i got home and i noticed that i was all alone ans such! and well yeah here i be, sitting here typping away, like i have nothing better to do

free tuxes are fucking awesome!
1believers //do you believe in fairies

Sunday, October 17th, 2004

Subject:sinor burrito
Time:9:06 am.
Mood: touched:literally.
last night
last night
last night
last night
last night
last night
well i dont know what to say about last night
jennifer mike and boomshika slept over
well my penis was out alot. and alot of people were all touching it and such!
we named my burrito
i got to have them sleep over more oft'!! haha.
so whatever they all left me now, and i am all alone.
john is coming by today, so that should give me something to do!

mr. joseph
2believers //do you believe in fairies

Saturday, October 16th, 2004

Time:10:24 am.
Mood: dirty.
ok well life has been treating me ok i guess. thursday i has a therapist meeting. i was waiting in the waiting room, waiting for some one to see me. I didnt like the place at all. it smelled like a damned funeral home, that really strong smell of roses.=\ and not only that but the people there, who passed me and the people i was waiting with, all were, extreemly weird. i mean eye candy! i had so much fun just staring at the people.

im weird.

so the lady i saw, really dont remember her name, but she was nice, once you got past the way SHE looked. her boobs were really big, so when she typed on the computer to enter my information, her boobs kind of sat on her desk. Then she was wearing these bright ass blue contacts and they just looked so fake, it was freaky, and then she had this really bad snaggle tooth, that caused her to lisp. She had alot of weave too! it was really badly kept though, it was really long, down to her butt, and it was nappy as all hell. but like i said she was nice once you got past that! i found my self giving alot of phony laughs and smiles; she really wasnt funny...she tried.

after i went to my meeting with the weird looking cool lady i had to walk to the bus terminal. it wasnt that far. so i went to McDonald's too. i got a mc chicken and two apple pies. then walked to the terminal. it wasnt that long of a wait considering i didnt knwo any one so i didnt have any one to talk to and i didnt have my ear phone so i didnt have any thing so listen to! but i got home in no time.

well yesterday, me and erica were walking home from the bus stop after school. we were talking about creepy gay kid and his friends. she was eating a zebra cake. well while i was making fun of creepy gay kid, i really dont know what i said to cause this happen, but she ended up laughing so hard, the cake came right back up through her mouth and nose. it was quite funny considering she had to pee really badly so she had t run home after that. it was only down the street. so i went home and well ended up at ericas again. with krista and erica, i waited for john to come and pick me up. we had a date. we only ended up going to the mall. but i had fun. i saw alot of people there i liked and...dont like...but all the same i had fun.

i came home and john went to a party. bleh. so to occupy my time i went on line and talked to the wonderful people on my buddy list who didnt have their away messages up!!! i ended up on the phone with zim!

it's weird. i never thought that me and him would ever really talk..ever! but you know what, he is so nice. i guess i just distanced my self and my thought from him, because i didnt want john to get mad at me!

today, i really dont think anything will be happening! i am going to go get my fitting for my tux, for my friends sweet sixteen! i am so happy, i cant wait. and then i am coming home. mike jeanine, and jennifer are coming over. john might stop by to say hello with his friend tonny, because he loves me so. and well sabrina might come by with andres. so i mean i will be steadily occupied through out the day! wow i hate my self for writing that......

so i am waiting for my father to come and drop off some money.

my arm pits really smell.

i need to clean my house before all of these people come over!

and well yeah this is my entry!

Mr. Joseph
3believers //do you believe in fairies

Wednesday, October 13th, 2004

Subject:i was dead for them three hours
Time:10:22 pm.
well today was ok
i am going to have to update before my mom kickas me off the computer.
well today was probably one of the best days i have had in a while.
i got to sleep.
you never notice how much you need it untill you are like half dead, and you dont know what is going on around you! when you cant even understand what is going on in your head because your too zoned out to even think properly. i was so exhausted today.
i laid there on my brothers bed, for a few hours. I didnt take my book bag off or anything. i just laid there. half alseep, half alive. my eyes were open, but i wasnt looking at anything. i felt half THERE, if that makes sense. like if i laid there long enough, i would just disappeared into time. with the seconds, minutes, hours, and days that would pass, time that we will never be able to get back!

i slept reall good.

so i woke up and spent two hours attempting to clean my room..didnt work out!

yesterday, was a fucking long day. just to write about it. i went to school then went to fencing then went to this TCP SHCOLAR program dinner, then went to actual dinner at crossroads, and well went to tartaglias to ask about a job, and i think i got it! yayness! i am no longer jobless. well at least i think.

well i am going to bed now, again, i am tired. i shall update later.

["you break my heart into a thousand pieces and you say it's because i deserve better"]

mr joseph
4believers //do you believe in fairies

Monday, October 11th, 2004

Time:10:09 am.
Mood: clean and cozy.
well the jenn BOOMSHIKA and mike were all at my house yesterday, and me and the jenn came to the very obvious conclusion that i do not journal enough! that is very true, but you see i am so busy all the time that i have no time for journaling! meep!

my weekend was quite interesting, you can say! thursday night mike slept over because he had no school friday, i did. So i went to school and when i came home me mike and my mom all went to get my tattoo. it is so prettifull. i will post pics asap! OK, so after i got my tattoo since mike's mom is in florida me and him went to his house and slept, did much of nothing, we went to a party!!>.< my mom was all like...NO PRATIES..but you know us, the little rebels that we are! haha we suck at life. so yeah the party was all fucking lesbians, and i never thought that being around lesbians would be so bad, but it was...fucking gross, especially since there were no gay guys there! there was one straight girl there and she was my friend kira and she has the potential to be a very big dike! le sigh, so whatever we got home around 2 30 ish and didnt go to bed until 7.

saturday i saw my good friends rachel and le bean! and well that was fun, i hung out with mr juan and my future llama mother michelle and the radster evika! and well yeah krista was there and alot more ppl were there like colleen and jeremy and jaataun, and, um yeah i think that wasit...oh yeah and juans boyfriend came and visited jimmy. he is such a cutie! haha

so whatever my life is boring, yesterday ericas and mike and BOOMSHIKA and the jenn and well we had a rad time, we went to mcdonalds because we were hungry. while we were there there were these girls there and they were talking about me in spanish and i guess...according to BOOMSHIKA they were saying how cute i was and shit so i just kind of shut up and stayed quiet the whole time because i was kind of ...weirded out. so as they were walking out to leave mike and BOOMSHIKA call them back and was like he wants your number. i just put my head down, i was like omg! so her name was melvi and yeah i dont know, i am fat and i dont like ppl any more, i called and it was the wrong number.

the jenn mike and BOOMSHIKA were supposed to sleep over but i was a little drunk and i really wanted to go to the ritz party that they were throwing, so BOOMSHIKA went home and mike did too, but by the time i went they were closing the doors so i ended up going home as well and well yeah everyone ended up going home and that was my sunday!

today is going to suck, but i will update laters!
4believers //do you believe in fairies

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